Why do men want to abuse women? What are the root causes of abuse? A general acceptance is maybe it is not his fault, or his conscious decision, writes Ruta Mave.

Courts support abusers if they came from a traumatic childhood, their mother was mean or their dad beat them.

A best-selling book called Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft, gives insight into the minds of angry and controlling men. It is an excellent read for those in abusive relationships. When you are being manipulated it can be difficult to recognise abuse, especially if it isn’t physical. It is tricky to understand what’s happening right in front of your eyes, and what behaviour really constitutes abuse.

Recently, Punanga Turuturu Itivaine (PTI) our women’s counselling and support centre for survivors of gender-based violence (GBV) hosted an intensive workshop to train counsellors to recognise the complex trauma that survivors experience.  An excellent example of action being made to address the disturbing domestic violence statistics we have in our Christian nation.

When you talk to men, they support other men because they are mates, and they see their behaviour as ‘not as bad as she makes out it to be’ Our society generally accepts violence against women is okay. Men easily accepted a court decision not to convict a man for attacking three women with a machete, because he was allegedly protecting sport equipment. Men think charges against a mate for filming tourists swimming naked in a pool is over reacting.  They think if men are getting a massage, it is okay to ask for more personal attention because that is their job, right? Everyone knows it. If she complains she is the one at fault not him because he’s a nice guy. So was Ted Bundy.

Chuck Derry is a director and founder of the Gender Violence Institute. He asked men “What are the benefits of abusing your wife? Society want to think men couldn’t possibly be doing this on purpose, it must be childhood trauma, instead what he found was troubling.

These are some of the reasons listed by the abusers themselves: If she is scared then she won’t go out and spend money. You get your way, you get to go out, you get respect, she won’t argue. I feel superior. It keeps the relationship going because she is too scared to leave. I get money, I get sex, I get total control in decision making. I don’t have to change myself for her. I have the power; I decide where we go and who we see. If she is late, she won’t be again. I can convince her that she’s screwing up. Keep her scared she feels less worthy, so she looks after my needs and wants She can be convinced to believe she is to blame for the battering; She is an object. I get a robot babysitter- maid. It’s an ego booster. If she works, I get her money. I isolate her so her friends can’t confront me. I decide how the money is spent; I get to buy the toys I want for me. She works for me, I don’t have to help. I don’t answer to anybody. I do what I want when I want to. I get to ignore her in the process and I get the kids on my side and against her. The kids will do what I tell them to do it proves my superiority. I get to make the rules, I can break them when I want. She is confused by my lies. I convince her she is nuts. I convince her she is unattractive. I convince her that she is the problem. I’m king of the castle she won’t call the police. I can get her to drop the charges, I can get her to support me to her family, and to my family, the cops, judges, children welfare prosecutors, I can get her to admit it was all her fault.

He then asks what would make you give it up?

They answered, to avoid arrest; to avoid divorce; to avoid getting a protection order taken out against them or they don’t want their adult children not to invite them to their wedding, and they don’t want to go to therapy.

Abusive men are abusive because they choose to be abusive. Violence is functional and that is why they use it.

Society is bad at spotting victim abuse because they believe the man as the nice guy.  When a man is angry, they assume it is because something happened. When a woman gets angry, they assume it is a flaw in her personality.  When a woman finally snaps and gets angry, he says see – she is the crazy one. That is why no one believes woman until they are dead.